2004-11-18 - 12:28 a.m.

listening to omd "if you leave" and moping about seeing winnie.
i only sleep for like four hours at a time anymore. its wierd.
i got in a fight with my mother today. i hate when that happens. she started it, of course. i havent actually seen her since i moved back to East Oak Lane, but she still manages to upset me. btw, i moved back to EOL last spring. we only live like an hour apart by train, but that doesnt mean i want to see her. i had an awful time trying to live at home. basically, she called to yell at me for not answering my phone last night. i told her i didnt feel like talking to anyone. she said that was irresponsible. i said she should be happy i even have a phone. prolly she thought i was moping around depressed (she equates depression with irresponibility and laziness) when in fact thats what im doing TONIGHT, last night i was just zoning around on pills.
i know how bad that sounds. to anyone who talks to me, at some point it comes up, and it sounds really bad. but to be honest about it, i know im some kind of pill popping freak. i KNOW its a habit. i knew that from the very beginning. and i quit every now and then, but i always go back to it, even though it means i never have any money, and whatever. i just dont know what to do about it. because if i dont take anything, im in pain. and i hate that. if i wasnt in pain, id ditch the pills in a heartbeat, deal with the withdrawl and get over it. but i am.
on quite another note, today i registered for some more classes. i took a few over the summer. none this fall. i think ill take some this spring, giv eme something worthwhile to think about in the middle of the night at least. daniel says im headed towards a degree in wasting time. meaning ive got a hell of a lot of credits by now, but im no where near a degree. if i wanted to do something, id do it, for sure, but theres nothing i really want...

endgame
resart

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