2005-01-24 - 12:26 a.m.

daniel and i havent slept together in over a month. i know, that doesnt sound the way it should. daniel is my best friend, but he isnt my lover. we share a bedroom. we've shared a bedroom before this apartment. we share a bed, if you can call it that. its a matress, anyway, and its big enough for two. but these days, one of us always passes out on the couch. usually me. i feel like its his room. and that i shouldnt disturb him in it.
daniel is old, even older than me, he's twenty four. he's lonely, maybe more than i am, he has no family. and he's crazy, even more than i am sometimes. he was freaking out tonight because he lost his phone. he's the kind of person who never loses things because everything is always in its place. its an ocd thing, or something, but he truly was freaking out. his heart was racing, he said he was dizzy and he was talking really fast about losing things.
all of a sudden it went from "cant find the phone" to "im a terrible person," and he's not, he so is not. i tried to calm him down, like i always have before, and it only worked halfway. he was glad i was there, you know, to lay his head in my lap and be told everything is ok, but then he started obsessing over what happened this fall. feeling really bad, like he hurt me, or did something wrong somehow.
now, i get upset about us hooking up sometimes too, and i get upset about the results, and the results of that. of course, miscarrying was frightening. but really, having a child, or having an abortion, whichever way it would have played out, would have been worse. and daniel, if youre reading this, you didnt do anything wrong, not any more than i did. you didnt take advantage of me, if anything, i took advantage of you. i was upset, i was drunk, and for some ungodly reason, i wanted to know what it would be like to be with a guy. and you are the best guy i know.
i really wish this had never happened. i really wish we could be the same as we were before. i wish you could forgive yourself, because i hold nothing against you.

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