2005-01-25 - 7:48 p.m.

im drunk. but its a good, after class kind of being drunk. i cooked dinner for daniel and jay, and drank a bottle of wine that i bought MYSELF at the liquor store, because i am now of age, and jay made me a couple of bloody maries... but its okay. im not drunk enough to be hung over tomorrow and skip class. because i cannot skip class ever, since i missed the whole first week. go me!
you know, this is the first full time semester ive gone to school since that very first time i went to temple u. back when i was eighteen. and so far, im enjoying it. and you know what else? i was thinking about the dream i had, and about miscarrying. and i thought, if i was an artist, i could do all kinds of art about that. women artists often do. and then i thought, well, really, why cant i call myself an artist? i paint. havent painted for oever a year, but that doesnt mean i cant.
and then after that, i realized, that somehow i got into this mindset that i cant do a lot of things. how did that happen? i am the girl who can do anything, make it out of anything. im the one who up and went to africa, because i needed to get out of the house. things didnt work out, instead of coming home i went to italy. i got a job in an art gallery hanging paintings, i discovered that in fact i can climb a ladder, no problem. i learned a whole freakin language in a few months.
the only thing that i cant do is walk. anything else is fair game. why, when i decided to go away to art school, didnt i go? cause mom would only let me visit one school, cause it wasnt right in the city so it would be safer. and that school, well, it didnt have elevators except in one building, and tho i was like, its ok, i can manage the stairs, mom was like, no you wont like it every day, and you wont be able to carry all that stuff to class with you, just forget it , you cant do it.
in fact, i CAN do it. i can do any freakin thing i want. so if i wanna call my self an artist, and make art about my dead son (or daughter) then damnit, i can and i will. and while im at it, i dont wanna hear any condescending self righteous crap about teenage pregnancy. im not a teenager. if i had stayed pregnant and given birth to a child, why couldnt that have been a good thing? eh? huh? at what point would it have been socially acceptable for me to have a child? or is the answer never, because obviously i could never take care of a baby? just like i could never handle going to a school that had only stairs???
all right. im drunk but im not stupid. i know that was irrational. do i care? not a bit. if im supposed to be the girl who can do anything, why the hell have i been sitting around doing nothing?????
bah. ask me again when im sober. see if i even remember that once i thought i could do anything.

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